I take pictures of everything and nothing, write stupid poetry and fiction, makes awful paintings and drawings and also play a lot of video games.
I love Nicole Dollanganger and I collect dolls.
Favourite games will be listed here. Favourite champions (from League of Legends) are listed here.

Thursday, 13 September 2018

They'll clap when you're gone

For the past two and a half months I've been suffering from an inflammation in my wrist, making me unable to play any games or anything of the sort. It's gotten better but my thumb still hurts after using it for a time, so not healed entirely. During this time I have spent hours on thinking. Reflecting. Contemplating.

I've read more books than in long. I've written more words than I have in two years; shame it was all bad but still. Yet I've never felt more isolated. Hardly a single person has spoken to me outside of my family members. I am a solitary person; but I am also a very non-solitary person. I don'y quite grasp it myself. I've lost countless friends to not being able to keep up to their social pace. They want to do things often or it's almost as if you are not friends. It's so different for people, especially people with assburgers like me.

I've almost always felt lonely inside. Even when I used to have friends. I don't know, it's like I want to talk to people often but I also get sooooo tired. Social interactions literally drain me, I don't even know how I got through school. I don't really know what my point with all this is... I just feel alone. And I know I'm partly responsible for losing so many friends through the years; even if a lot of them didn't bother contacting me either I was no better.

And so here we are, in a situation where probably only my family would get sad if I died. That's also something I've been reflecting a lot over. Suicide. I'm scared of dying but more scared of living, so I probably idealise it in a sick way. A way out. Endless white noise and sleep. No more pain or fears. There might not be any love either but in my state I don't feel that is much loss.


So yeah, to prevent myself from slicing my wrists open (even when gently stroking them, eyeing at them as if they were taunting me with how close it really always it) I made a little list of things. Things to remember when it's midnight and nobody loves you. Things to remember when the itch for the end crawls through your goddamn spine; like a tumour eating your body whole. Things to remember when you remember that you love your mother, love your brother and feel the infinite guilt of not being better for their sake.


1. Shadow Domain's debut album. 
2. Cyberpunk 2077. 
3. Red Dead Redemption 2.
4. To finish a story; even if it is a bad one. 

5. Read books. (Still have not read Neuromancer tsk.)
6. Second season of Altered Carbon. 
7. Seeing Hob finish the God-run. 
8. Consider learning French. 
9. My guinea pigs. 
10. Read. Write. Read. Write. 
11. Play Riven one more time. 
12. Metro Exodus. 
13. Use all the bath-bombs/oils etc I have. 
14. Evil Within 2 100% achievements.
15. RE:2 remake. 
16. LDR new album. 


Perhaps it would also be of best interest that I remind myself of a few things: it is never too late to kill yourself, nobody will ever care as much as you do about yourself and in death we are forgotten.


Tuesday, 6 March 2018

Guinea pigs

Pictures from the late summer of 2017. Fluffis (the lil baby) was still so tiny here! Believe she was around one month old at the time. They're both bigger now, Midori was also kind of tiny since she had lost so much weight when pregnant.

Monday, 5 March 2018

An ode to Snultri.

( Rest in Peace 2012 - 2017 )

Every time I was I would go downstairs and you would always be there. You'd come forward, wanting to be picked up even. The only piggie I've had who could sit and snuggle with you for hours. We used to watch films together in the couch, we sat in the grass together when it was warm so you could eat your favourite food and we bonded. When your cagepartner, my poor beautiful little Ai-pon, died it broke my heart because you always stood at the edge of the cage waiting for me because you didn't want to be alone. I think you didn't stop missing her and neither do I. Every pet is special.

I worried about you lots of times. In the pet store you were by yourself and I immediately knew I wanted you. When you were only one year you got pneumonia and they said you might now live, but you did. We changed litter to make it less dusty to make it better for you. This is naught but ramblings from me, but I miss you and I think I always will.

It was in the beginning of December. I was sitting downstairs watching her, thinking she seemed to be both restless yet tired. She was walking back and forth between two spaces she'd lie down in. I felt a worry build up, I knew. I knew something was wrong. I decided not to bother her because she seemed so sleepy... I wish I had though. The next morning she was dead. My beautiful sweet baby girl. She was so close to her 6th birthday too... I was so angry with myself for not following my instincts and wasted her last hours. I should have been there, I should have stayed.

Love you both; always.

Wednesday, 3 January 2018

flesh doll for sale


I want to buy so many things... 

- A new graphics card 
- A new lens for my camera
- A new ball-jointed doll 
- A Blue Yeti microphone 
- A second monitor

Ahh if only I was hot so I could sell nudes and fap on cam or so... :(

Saturday, 30 December 2017

2018

I haven't been nearly as active as I wanted to on this blog or well anywhere where I wanted to be. Except for League I don't think I've been active at all this year. It's been a rollercoaster and it's mostly been shit. I've been to so many doctors appointments for different reasons, it was discovered I have diabetes, both my two oldest guinea pigs passed away this year at different times, I've been extremely anxious, been very sick from blood sugar stuff and yeah idunno I guess that's the worst I remember anyway. Good point is I bought two new guinea pig just at the end of the year and played some good games, and oh discovered some good music. Better than nothing.

However looking forward (for now anyway...) would be to write about New years resolutions.

1. Read more books and novels. 
2. Write more. 
3. Draw and paint often. 
4. Exercise and lose more weight.
5. Discover new music. 
6. Start something new. 
7. Be serious in learning top and midlane in League. (I only really like the mechanical champs and should stop being afraid to practice them.)
8. Take more pictures.
9. Remember that it's never too late to kill yourself, so calm down. 
Make hentai; not war. 
- Coppernicus f;2917

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Poacher's Pride

I feel quite alone in a way I never seem to be able to satisfy. People seem to be elsewhere when you spend time with them; and I don't know if they have changed or if I am the one who has changed. Packing my bags and moving wouldn't solve nearly as much as I wish it would, the problem still lies with me. I often think about killing myself and seeing it as the only way out, and while I hold that thought still it's not easy to go through with. It is the only way to truly escape the shackles of my own mind; the prison where I've lived for years in. I can hardly go outside anymore and I don't even want to meet my friends. Too many concerns, too much OCD and instabilities. 

The swan sang with a broken neck
Out by the pool, behind the fence
You can't forgive me when
you know if I had the gun I'd chose to shoot again

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Monday, 6 March 2017

Go tell Aunt Rhody everybodys dead

APPEARANCE:
  • I am 5′7″ or taller
  • I wear glasses
  • I have at least one tattoo
  • I have at least one piercing
  • I have blonde hair
  • I have brown eyes
  • I have short hair
  • My abs are at least somewhat defined (I wish)
  • I have or have had braces
  • There is something I would change about the way I look

PERSONALITY:

  • My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor Hufflepuff Ravenclaw Slytherin (did a test for this and got Slytherin so haha)
  • I am an introvert
  • I like love meeting new people
  • People tell me that I’m funny
  • Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me
  • I enjoy physical challenges
  • I enjoy mental challenges
  • I’m playfully rude with people I know well
  • I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it
  • There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

  • I can sing well
  • I can play an instrument
  • I can do over 30 pushups without stopping
  • I’m a fast runner
  • I can draw well
  • I have a good memory
  • I’m good at doing math in my head
  • I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute
  • I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling
  • I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch
  • I know how to throw a proper punch
HOBBIES:
  • I enjoy playing sports
  • I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else
  • I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else
  • I have learned a new song in the past week
  • I work out at least once a week
  • I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months
  • I have drawn something in the past month
  • I enjoy writing
  • Fandoms are my #1 passion 

  • I do or have done martial arts
EXPERIENCES:
  • I have had my first kiss
  • I have had alcohol
  • I have scored the winning goal in a sports game
  • I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting
  • I have been at an overnight event
  • I have been in a taxi
  • I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year.
  • I have beaten a video game in one day
  • I have visited another country
  • I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts
MY LIFE:
  • I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”
  • I live close to my school
  • My parents are still together
  • I have at least one sibling
  • I live in the United States
  • There is snow right now where I live
  • I have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month (I dont go to school atm)
  • I have a smartphone
  • I have at least 15 CDs
  • I share my room with someone
RANDOM SHIT:
  • I have breakdanced
  • I know a person named Jamie
  • I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce
  • I have dyed my hair
  • I’m listening to one song on repeat right now
  • I have punched someone in the past week
  • I know someone who has gone to jail
  • I have broken a bone
  • I have eaten a waffle today
  • I know what I want to do with my life
  • I speak at least 2 languages fluently
  • I have made a new friend in the past year

Friday, 16 December 2016

, , ,

REVIVAL

I was considering using my Swedish blog to post pictures, but it feels... weird there. I've changed a lot since I made that blog waaay back, and I've written a lot of crap on it that I'm questioning now. Of course these things were obviously important to me back then, but I was immature and naive and somehow think I shouldn't have cared about so much useless bullshit as I did.

Well anyway I might start writing about games again, as well as post shitty artworks, photographs and things. I guess it would be nice to have it one place. So fucking creative!!111111 kappa. Here is my Iplehouse-doll Naoki in her Christmas-outfit taken this night for test:

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The Sinister Blade

The Sinister Blade